Sauron the Man behind the Eye
by Miriam G
Summary: This is Sauron's diary. Includes plans for world domination, stupid Orcs, an annoyed Saruman, lasagna, lots of Melkor-praising and pink bows of doom.
1. The Man behind the Helmet

Sauron - the Man behind the Eye  
  
Author's note: I'm not sure if fanfiction allows this. If you report me I will let my Nazguls hunt you down. YES, I DO have Nazguls!! They're hidden under my bed. Oh well, anyway, I'm pretty sure I don't own Lord of the Rings unless I woke up in an alternate reality this morning. Or maybe I am Tolkien and don't know because I lost my memory. Or maybe I do own Lord of the Rings and Tolkien stole it from me and somehow erased my memory. Hmm, do I see a conspiracy here? Anyway, until any of these theories are proven, let's just say I do not own any of this stuff. Righto? Righto! By the way, to understand some of the first chapter you have to have read the Silmarillion. I confess that I haven't read it but my brother has. Hehehehehe... Oh yes, he is helping me with this fic (and now quit complaining!!).  
  
WARNING! BEWARE OF PINK BOWS!  
  
1st age  
  
Dear diary,  
  
Melkor is the coolest guy ever! He even likes my lasagna. He's always talking about world domination and something like that. I'm not sure what he means but it sounds like fun. I suggested building a doomsday device called Ragnarök but he wanted to keep the world instead of destroying it. Oh well, guess that's fun too.  
  
One of his plans includes forcing everyone to eat my lasagna. I don't know how that's going to help us but I'll help him as much as I can. He's so awesome!  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
Today Melkor gave me my very own Evil Secret Hide-out! This must be the happiest day of my life! I have already started decorating it with flowers and ribbons and cute kitty pictures. I like kitties. Melkor says kitties are not appropriate for Evil Secret Hide-outs so he gave me pictures of big mean-looking dobermans instead. Now the Evil Secret Hide-out doesn't look as cute as I'd wanted it to be but it's still very nice.  
  
Melkor is cool! I want to be just like him!  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
Yesterday a new type of creatures appeared out of nowhere. They call themselves elves. Melkor told me to invite them over for dinner. The elves are very pretty so I bought some new flowers for my Evil Secret Hide-out. Melkor doesn't like flowers. He spends all of his time destroying the flowers that I pick. Oh well, he's cool anyway.  
  
Today the elves came over for dinner. Melkor told me NOT to make lasagna. I don't know why he underlined the word NOT so often but I made some tofu. While we were eating, Melkor looked like he was going to throw up any minute. I don't know if it was because of the tofu or because of the sunflowers on the table.  
  
Elves are very nice. They talk about happy things. And they like kitties. Melkor didn't like them as much as I did. He said something about destroying them. He's probably just mad because he doesn't like flowers. But I still think he's cool. Tomorrow I'm going to ask him for an autograph.  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
Melkor bought me a new pet. That's so nice of him. I called it Fluffyluff and tied a pink bow around its neck. It's a balrog. It's so cute with that pink bow. I'm sure the elves are going to love it.  
  
Melkor is so cool. So generous. So smart. He gave me my own balrog. I like him.  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
Today is a horrible day. Melkor is angry because I lost his secret plans for world domination. I tried to tell him that now they were so secret that he didn't even know them himself but I don't think that cheered him up. I was so sad that I hugged Fluffyluff most of the day. Fluffyluff was vey nice, licking my face and all. Unfortunately he nearly bit my head off but I'm sure he didn't do it on purpose (he's got pretty foul breath).  
  
But it doesn't really matter. Melkor is still cool. He won't give me an autograph though. Darn!  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
Something very strange happened today. I was just gone to the store to buy some cat food for Fluffyluff. When I returned, my Evil Secret Hide-out was gone and only a huge hole in the ground was left. Maybe someone farted while I was gone. Who knows?  
  
I heard that Melkor has been kidnapped. I sure hope that it's not because they found his secret world domination plans that I lost the other day. I hope Melkor is ok because he's so cool. Maybe I should hire someone to rescue him. Like Superhobbit perhaps?  
  
Poor Melkor. He's so cool.  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
Melkor has been gone for quite a while now. I'm cleaning his house every day in case he returns. I even put some flowers in the window. That might upset him enough to come back and destroy them.  
  
I hope Melkor comes back soon. I miss him so much. Sniff sniff.  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
When I woke up this morning, I heard a terrible scream. I ran outside to see what had happened and discovered that Melkor was back. I was so happy that I started singing for him my happy song that I've been practicing while he was gone. Melkor's new friend, some strange giant spider ran away when he heard me, screaming at the top of his lungs. I was quite insulted but Melkor told me that spiders don't have a good music taste. It doesn't really matter now. MELKOR IS BACK!! YAY!!! We went to his home and I made some lasagna. He didn't seem to be hungry.  
  
Melkor is back!! Cooler than ever!! He even gave me an autograph!!  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
Today Melkor invited some elves for dinner. He told me to be extra-nice to them so I tried my new recipe on them. They looked kind of weird after eating it. Melkor was furious at first but then he decided to use them as Troops of Doom.  
  
I called those new Troops of Doom the Pink Kitty-Troopers and I even started sewing some cute pink unforms for them but Melkor suggested we should use the name Orcs instead. That's fine with me. And it's much shorter than Pink Kitty-Troopers. Melkor is so smart. I want to be like him!  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
Another new species appeared out of nowhere. They're called humans. I don't like them as much as I like the elves because they don't like kitties very much. But many of them like Melkor. He invited them for dinner and this time he fixed the dinner. None of them turned into Pink Kitty-Troopers. Actually I had hoped that they would because otherwise there wouldn't be anyone to wear those cute pink uniforms that I've made. Oh well...  
  
Melkor is still cool.  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
Thingol made a nasty remark about kitties. He said that they are useless and ugly. I got so angry that I hit him on the head with my picture book. I think he's recovering now. When Melkor heard about that, he declared war. That's not my fault, is it?  
  
Melkor is still cool. I better not tell him about the picture book.  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
More elves have arrived. I sure hope they fit in my uniforms. I invited them for dinner but they don't seem to like me. They made a huge camp fire and cooked marshmallows - without inviting me!  
  
Melkor has a pet too. He called it Evil Killer Beast of Doom, even though its name was originally Glaurung the Dragon. Evil Killer Beast of Doom and Fluffyluff always get into fights. Melkor says that Evil Killer Beast of Doom thinks that Fluffyluff has a ridicolous name. Melkor can be so silly sometimes! But he's still so great! He's awesome!  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
Evil Killer Beast of Doom ran away. Melkor was in a bad mood all day so I made some cookies for him but unfortunately Fluffyluff ate them all.  
  
I heard that Evil Killer Beast of Doom attacked some elves. I think he's getting out of conrol. Melkor found it very funny, for some reason. I guess he must have his reasons to be the way he is. He's so cool.  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
Today I got my very own Evil Secret Tower of Doom. It's not very secret but it's still very cool. It's taller than the secret hide-out and the view is great. I can see everything that's happening. I found out that the neighbours don't walk their dog often enough.  
  
I even got my own Wolf Army of Doom. Melkor is very nice to me these days. I asked him if I could paint the tower yellow because black is so depressing but he replied that Evil Secret Towers of Doom are simply not yellow. I didn't get a chance to ask about pink before he ushered me out of the room.  
  
One of the Orcs said that the only reason why Melkor is so generous to me is because he's trying to get rid of me. I know that's not true. Melkor might be angry sometimes but I know that he likes me very much. He's the greatest friend I've ever had. Besides Fluffyluff perhaps.  
  
Melkor is great!  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
A dog bit me today. I don't like dogs. He also tore half of my kitty pictures into pieces. I decided to leave my Evil Secret Tower of Doom and go to Melkor's place. He wasn't at home but I found his Silmarillion. I know how fond he is of these stones so I decided to polish them. While I was cleaning the Silmarillions, one of them fell into the drain. Melkor was furious when he found out. He wasn't fooled by the fake Silmarillion I made. I had to call a plumber to get the Silmarillion out of the sewage systems. It was pretty gross and I had to wash it a million times before it was presentable again. The worst part was that I had to pay the plumber. I didn't have enough money so he took the Silmarillion as payment. I hope Melkor is ok with that.  
  
I like Melkor.  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
Melkor hasn't found out about the Silmarillion - yet. He was actually in a good mood today so he made me a general in one of his armies. I'm so proud. Of course I brought Fluffyluff. Maybe I shouldn't have done that because he ate half of the army but it was still a lot of fun. We played Monopoly. Most of the Orcs cheated because someone suggested that the losers get eaten by Fluffyluff.  
  
When I came home and told Melkor about my great day, he told me that I was supposed to go into war and not play Monopoly. Now he's telling me!  
  
He's still cool!  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
Melkor found out about the Silmarillion today. He was so mad that he sent Evil Killer Beast of Doom to destroy half Belariand to get back the Silmarillion. I thought that he was overreacting but when I said that to Melkor, he simply splashed a pie into my face. I don't like pies very much anymore.  
  
Melkor was just angry today but usually he's cool. Have I mentioned that Melkor is very cool yet?  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
Melkor's anger has cooled down now and he's nice again. Now he sent me on a mission. He calls it Mission Impossible. I wonder why.  
  
I'm supposed to find the hidden city Gondolin. Melkor didn't tell me why he needs to find it but it must be very important.  
  
I didn't find the city but I found a strange guy. He looked nice so I wanted to ask him if he likes kitties but when I greeted him, he totally freaked out and started rambling about a hidden city. At least Melkor will be happy with me. And that's good.  
  
Melkor is great! Melkor is GREAT! I'm planning on writing a song about him.  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
Finally Melkor rules the world! I don't know what it means but he seems so happy. He was in such a good mood today that he allowed me to paint my Evil Secret Tower of Doom purple.  
  
After painting for a couple of hours, a nice guy came by and offered to help me. His name was Eärendil. He asked a lot of questions about Melkor. He also asked me if he could borrow a ship so he could sail to the Valas and ask them something (he refused to tell me what it was). Of course I said yes. He was being so helpful, after all. He also told me not to tell Melkor about it. I wonder why.  
  
Melkor is cooler than ever now that he rules the world. Someday I want to be like him and rule the world too.  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
Melkor was very mad at me today because I accidently told him about Eärendil. Before he could calm down enough to tell me why he was so angry, suddenly some Valas came by. They wanted to talk to Melkor under four eyes so I went home to my Purple Evil Secret Tower of Doom. I haven't seen Melkor since that. I wonder if he is still mad at me.  
  
I saw a shooting star today. It was going in the wrong direction. Strange. My wish was to become just like Melkor.  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
I was taking Fluffyluff out for a walk today and he started chasing some elve. Before I could stop him, he fell down a cliff. Poor Fluffyluff! He was just a baby! I made a grave for him and tied a pink bow around his gravestone. It looks quite cute.  
  
Melkor still hasn't talked to me. I asked a Vali about him and he just grinned. I'm starting to get really worried. I hope Melkor is fine because he's really cool.  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
Melkor still hasn't come back so I decided to take over world domination by myself. Melkor would be really proud of me. I moved all my stuff to Mordor. Mordor is a great place for making evil world domination plans.  
  
I'm not sure if Melkor is still alive. I miss him so much. Sob.  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
I stayed awake all night to try to think of a plan to take over world domination but couldn't come up with anything. An old friend of mine told me that Númenaland is the best place to get evil inspiration so we went there together. I told everyone there what a great guy Melkor was but after half an hour they lost their interest so I made some lasagna instead. After eating some of it, they suddenly agreed that Melkor was awesome if they just wouldn't have to eat this stuff again.  
  
For some reason they got very interested in Melkor's strange disappearance when I told them about that. It somehow caused them to attack the Valas but I don't know why. I wonder if it was my fault.  
  
I have a new Evil Secret Tower of Doom. This one is green.  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
I'm back at Mordor. Suddenly an earthquake came and destroyed half Earth. I sure hope it wasn't my fault. Oh well, the smaller the world, the less world domination.  
  
Sauron  
  
Author's note: This was pretty stupid; I know. It's supposed to be funny. You better review or the terrible wrath of the pink bows will come over you! Muahahahahahahahahaha!!! I love evil laughs. The next chapter will be entirely about LotR. I promise. Ok? Reviiiiieeeew!! 


	2. The Man behind the Ring

Sauron - the Man behind the Eye  
  
2nd age  
  
Dear diary,  
  
I finally came up with a new world domination plan. I am going to make an Evil Ring of Power and use it to rule the Rings of the elves. With that Ring I will be the most powerful being in the universe. Muahahahahahaha!!!  
  
Wait a minute. What did I just say? Whatever. I'm planning on making a pretty ring because I noticed that some of the elves have pretty rings too. I want to give it a cute name but couldn't find anything good so I decided to call it The One Mighty Powerful Ring.  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
The One Mighty Powerful Ring is finished. Now I will destroy Rivendell and all those silly, little elves!! Then I will be the one and only ruler of the entire world!!! Muahaha... wait... is it my imagination or is the Ring controlling me, instead of me controlling it? Who cares? Muahahahahahahaha!!! Hey, this evil laugh-thing is actually fun! And very stress-relieving. Muahahahahaha!!!  
  
Uhum, uh, where was I? Whatever. Back to my evil schemes.  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
A giant crowd has gathered around my castle. They've probably come to hail me because I'm going to rule the world soon. They look quite angry though. Maybe they don't want me to rule the world... Nah!  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
It seems that I'm not as popular as I thought. I think it's because of my lasagna. The elves and the men and a few dwarfs want to take my precious One Mighty Powerful Ring away. But they won't take it because it's miiiiiine!! My oooowwwwn!! Myyyyyy pppprrrreeeeeccciiiioooouuuussss!!!!  
  
Oops, got kinda carried away. I suggested to the angry mob that we could play a game of soccer and the winner gets to keep The One Mighty Powerful Ring. I'm afraid they don't like soccer very much because they wanted to go to war instead. It's not my fault this time. At least I can show them my new Orc army. They have pink bows.  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
War is not very interesting. The elves keep tearing the pink bows of my Orcs off. Especially that Elrond-guy. I don't like him. He's always kicking little kitties.  
  
I accidently broke the blade of Isildur's father's sword. I don't know why Isildur got so terribly upset that he had to cut my finger off. I wanted to slap him but then I turned to dust. Darn!  
  
At least Isildur didn't destroy The One Mighty Powerful Ring. I might try to get it back some time - as soon as I find my body. Why are these things always happening to me?  
  
Sauron  
  
3rd age  
  
Dear diary,  
  
I've been floating around for a few thousand years and now I've finally found a mirror. I was in shock when I realized that I look like a giant flaming eye. Not much left of my old, pretty self. Sob. Sob.  
  
I decided to be the first flaming eye in history to rule over the world so I'm trying to find The One Mighty Powerful Ring again. I'm going to put an advertisement in the newspaper:  
  
"Lost: The One Mighty Powerful Ring, looks like an ordinary ring but has cool powers, possibly a reward if I feel like it."  
  
I hope someone answers.  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
Finally someone has answered to my advertisement. His name is Saruman and he's a wizard. I told him about my world domination plans and he seemed very interested and asked if I needed a sidekick. I got so excited about getting a sidekick that I made some lasagna for him. Saruman said that evil villains are not supposed to make lasagna. It looks like he's going to be one difficult sidekick!  
  
At least he knows something about The One Mighty Powerful Ring. He also said something about a new Orc army. I don't know why I need a new army; my old Orc army was pretty good. But Saruman thinks that Orcs look scarier without pink bows.  
  
I'm starting to miss Melkor again. I wonder where he is now.  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
Everything has been looking so unclear for a while so I went to the doctor and he told me that I need glasses. The problem is just that I don't have ears so I can't wear glasses. Now I assigned Saruman to make the biggest contact lense ever. I think I'm going to call it The One Contact of the Third Kind.  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
Saruman has found Gollum, the creature that supposedly had The One Mighty Powerful Ring but he didn't have it anymore. Saruman fed Gollum with my lasagna until he told us where The One Mighty Powerful Ring is now.  
  
Saruman is very happy because our plans of world domination can begin now. He has even started to form his bowless Orc army. But I told him that we couldn't start until I've memorized the world domination song I made up because I want to sing it while taking over the world. Saruman is not exactly very patient.  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
I have a new Evil Secret Tower of Doom and it's in Mordor. I still haven't decided whether to paint it red or blue but I already named it Barrad-dur. I have no idea what it means but it sounds cool.  
  
I have also found a small invisible army of nine ghosts. I call them Nazguls and I'm going to send them on a quest for The One Mighty Powerful Ring as soon as I have memorized my song - and as soon as I have found them...  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
I still haven't memorized my song but at least The One Contact of the Third Kind is ready so I can see again. In fact I can see better than ever before. I can even see what the hobbits on the other side of the world are doing. Pretty cool, huh?  
  
I gave each of the Nazguls a black hood so I can see them and sent them out to find The One Mighty Powerful Ring. Apparently some hobbit named Baggins has it. Baggins. What kind of a stupid name is that anyway? I will have to punish him for having such a stupid name. And for stealing my precious too but that's not my priority. At least I think so.  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
I won in a lottery. The price was a free yoga class. Too bad I don't have any limbs because this yoga-thing sounds like fun.  
  
Saruman is starting to get a bit angry because I spend so much time reading fan mail and watching people who are 5000 miles away (I call it watching TV) instead of focusing on world domination. He is finished with his Orc army. They're not as pretty as my Orcs but Saruman won't admit it. They don't even have pink bows. He calls them the Super-dooper Uruk-Orc Army of Doom. And he says my names are immature! Maybe I should find myself a less complicated sidekick. If you think about it, Baggins is not such a stupid name after all...  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
Saruman has kidnapped another wizard. He is really proud of this and obviously thinks I'm going to reward him for that but I don't know what I need another wizard for. Unless he wants to be my new sidekick of course.  
  
I have finally memorized my world domination song but unfortunately I lost my One Contact of the Third Kind. Now I keep bumping into things. This is how I made up a new game, by the way. I call it eye bowling. It's quite fun actually but Saruman gets really annoyed when I hit him. That guy seriously has some issues!  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
I still haven't found The One Contact of the Third Kind so I stayed at home all day, played eye bowling and wondered if I should paint my tower red or blue. Saruman told me that I need to be more ambitious if I want to take over world domination. He just doesn't see the fun in things!  
  
I found an advertisement in the newspaper today. It was like this:  
  
"Wanted: a new evil master whom I can serve as a sidekick to take over world domination, must be a good cook."  
  
I decided to call the number in the advertisement but was slightly surprised when I found out that it was Saruman. I don't think he was very happy because I was the only one who responded to his ad.  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
Today was Saruman's day off so we spent the day playing chess. We used a life-size chess board and played with Orcs. Unfortunately it didn't work too well because we couldn't tell the king from the knights and the Orcs didn't follow the rules and kept killing each other. It was the funniest thing I'd seen since playing Monopoly with Fluffyluff the barog but Saruman didn't like it very much.  
  
I went to the doctor again and he told me to use eyedrops because my eye is always burning. I think I will follow his advice as soon as I find a bottle of eyedrops that is big enough.  
  
Sauron  
  
Dear diary,  
  
I finally found The One Contact of the Third Kind. It turned out that Saruman had used it as a bath tub all along.  
  
An Orc has been following me around all day. It was starting to get creepy so I told him to get lost but he didn't listen to me. It took me five hours to realize that he was sticking to the inside of The One Contact of the Third Kind.  
  
Today I saw my arch enemy Baggins for the first time. I was a bit disappointed. He's nothing but a tiny hobbit. I could squash him with one foot! Wait a minute... I don't have a foot. Sob. Or maybe I could squash him with a hand... no. Stab him... no... kick him... no... slap him... no ... scratch him... no... tickle him...no... The only thing I can do is roll over him. Ouch! That means that I CAN'T HURT HIM!!!! AAAAHHH!!! HE IS INVINCIBLE!!!!  
  
Sauron  
  
Author's note: Aaw, poor Sauron! Review please if you don't want the Nazguls to eat you. I know that Nazguls don't eat people but, uh, yeah, uh, you get my point. 


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